Saturday, 25 February 2017

Weird Books

I’ve always wanted to write a book - a novel, a travelogue or something that is loosely based on the inane crap you are reading at this moment. If I manage to get something published, one of the first things I will have to do is give it a title. You can rest assured that it will be decent title, an appropriate title or a vaguely amusing title. It certainly won’t be in any way weird, inappropriate or even offensive.

Yet some people have actually written either books with strange titles or with wholly unsuitable, politically incorrect or just plain bizarre titles. Worse, the contents of the books, I imagine are equally tasteless and improper.

I thought it would be amusing to share some of the books I have found on the internet with you.

How Green Were the Nazis?

Adolf Hitler plunged the world into war, destroyed half of Europe and committed genocide on a scale that will cause tremors of horror for years to come. He is the most hated man in history. But, hey – I’m sure he loved his plants and when he ordered his marauding armies across Europe, I’m sure that he avoided destroying forests as they killed innocent people. I wouldn’t know – I haven’t read the book.

How To Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

There’s a house down the street that had a single gnome in their garden just five years ago. Now there are over thirty of the little buggers. They are massing for attack, I tell you. I’ve been down to the house and put notes through their letterbox warning them about this. Surely they know that gnomes are a war-like species that hate humanity and breed like rabbits. I’ve never seen the owners of the house. Maybe they are giant gnomes. Unfortunately I don’t know what to do if they decide to rise up and invade. I haven’t read the book. 

Old Tractors and the Men Who Love Them

If the gnomes do attack then a tractor might be a good weapon to crush the little blighters underfoot. Therefore if you have an old tractor, it is best to make sure that it is in perfect working order and to do so you need to find an old tractor enthusiast to help you. It might just save your life. How? I don’t know – I haven’t read the book. 

Learning To Play With a Lion’s Testicles: Unexpected Gifts from the Animals of Africa

Let me just say this: there are no creatures on God’s earth who own testicles that I would like to touch let alone play with. If I were so inclined (and I am not I AM DEFINITELY NOT), then a lion would be WAAAAYYYYY down the list of animals whose plums I would want to fondle. Imagine the gravestone? “Here Lies A. Nutter. Savaged By An 800lb Lion For Groping His Balls”. It makes me wonder whether there is a way to sneak up on a giant man-killing cat. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t read the book.

Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? 

If my cats are anything to go by, the answer to this question is easy – NO! My cats treat me with no respect – unless they want food. If indeed God really is speaking to me through my cats then he is telling me that I am a slave, an oaf, a huge scary mad-haired ape, the source of all his food and an insignificant moron. I would guess that one thing a cat may say is "Do not ever ever EVER play with my testicles." Did the author include this? I don't know - I haven’t read the book.

My Darling My Hamburger

You would be forgiven for thinking that this is the story of a pervert who is in love with a Big Mac. Apparently it’s just a love story for young adults – although my mind is boggling about where the hamburger comes into the tale. My mind is boggling about the concept of “playing with your food” in this context. But I wouldn’t know – I haven’t read the book.

Natural Bust Enlargement With Total Mind Power

I now have a black eye because of this book. Why? I asked Mrs PM to buy this to see if it really worked. It was a simple enough question and her response was a violent punch in the face. I feel like writing to the author, suggesting that he writes another book called “How To Get a Black Eye With Autosuggestion” using his previous book as a tool. Mrs PM now thinks the remaining 90% of my mind is a cesspit of pure filth. Is this true and does the author warn against such speculation? I wouldn’t know – I haven’t read the book.

Teach Your Wife To Be A Widow

Given that I was lucky only to get a minor injury from the last book, perhaps I should have suggested this book to Mrs PM instead. Mind you, she probably knows – especially since the moment before her spontaneous and unexpected moment of extreme violence, I received a factor 8 look (if you don’t know what I am talking about, read this). I think she knows how to be a widow already. I don’t – I haven’t read the book.

Reusing Old Graves

Call me mad but when I finally do shuffle off this mortal coil I don’t want to share my final resting place with anybody else - apart from Mrs PM of course. If ghosts do exist then the previous occupant of an old grave would be totally angry if he or she suddenly had a squatter hanging around after decades of solitary bliss. Perhaps the sequel to this book would be “How To Deal With Grave Squatters” or “How To Share a House With Somebody Who Died In The 19th Century”.  Does the author even consider the possibility of forcing a grumpy old bastard like me into their afterlife? I don’t know – I haven’t read the book.

What’s Your Poo Telling You?

Call me weird if you like but if I had just answered a call of nature and I heard a gurgling voice from beneath me saying “You shouldn’t have had that chicken madras last night” then I would be out of that bathroom like a rocket. Worse, this is another book title that is likely to lead to violence. Imagine walking up to a woman in a bar and saying: “Hi! My name’s Dave. What’s your poo telling you?” I wonder whether the book mentions the risk of being beaten up? I don’t know – I haven’t read the book.

And finally…
Rest assured, dear reader, that when I finally pull my finger out and write a book, the title will be not be as bat-shit crazy as the ten above. 
Actually, that might not be a bad title: Pull Your Finger Out

What do you think?


River said...

What do I think? I think any title you come up with would be fine, as long as it is funny.
As for my Poo, if that starts talking to me, I'm signing myself into the nearest loony bin!
I think I'd like the Gnome book, I could read it to my gnomes, (right before the neighbours lock me into a loony bin) and warn them of retaliation should they decide to rise up against me. I have eleven in the garden, two are so tiny they almost can't be seen, and two more that reside inside since they're rather unique and I don't want them stolen.
The natural bust enlargement book might be a self hypnotism one, convince yourself that when you look at your orange sized boobies you're actually seeing canteloupes.

JahTeh said...

Good for Mrs PM and as for that last book, she would possibly rip your heart out instead. Why didn't you try using the tit book for improving your pecs, she might have enjoyed watching the battle.
Is there a weird section at your bookstore, called PM's pleasures?

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Are you sure that there are only eleven gnomes? Are you certain that there aren't any more out on "manoeuvres"? Keep an eye on them.




Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi JT,

Nope. I spotted the "How Green Were the Nazis?" book and decided to look for other weird ones. There are millions out there.

The truth is that when I told Mrs PM about the boob book, she laughed her head off and said "in your dreams". My eye remains unblackened.