I’ve been trying to come up with a suitable title for this blog post about weddings and reluctantly come up with The Wedding Planner for reasons that will become clear.
I say "reluctantly" because the title reminds me of the film of the same name which is one of the worst films I have ever seen and it has coloured my judgement about any movie starring Jennifer “Jenny From The Block” Lopez, a woman who, as far as I can tell, is just famous for her booty which basically means she has a big arse. Her songs are terrible and her acting is worse. I have yet to see a movie that she stars in that doesn’t make me want to swear constantly.
I think I am a better actor than J-Lo (let's face it YOU probably are, dear reader). Mind you, I wouldn’t want to take her place in that movie even though I could probably have been more convincing in her part than she was. I would have to draw the line at pretending to be romantically enthralled with Matthew McConaughy, even though I would probably have made the movie more enjoyable.
Similarly Matthew McConaughy have slipped past my radar as a result of that film but he has redeemed himself with Interstellar - an excellent film I have to say. I could certainly have played his part in The Wedding Planner and, yes, I would take one for the team and star as a romantic lead with J-Lo. She may be a bad actress but she’s not bad looking.
Anyway, I’m not here to rant about the movie or daydream about being filmed in a clinch with J-Lo.
I want to discuss a form of peer pressure that once again is being exerted on me.
My friends and colleagues have recently tried to plan my wedding.
Before you ask, the answer is:
“No! I have no intention of getting married in the foreseeable future!”
The problem is that recently, people seem to be trying to marry me off.
First, on a trip to Abu Dhabi earlier this year, the friends we were visiting started to mention weddings. I sat down at a meal and started talking to a female friend and inevitably the conversation turned to marriage. I had nothing to do with this. I was simply asked, “When are you going to marry her then?”
Thus followed a conversation during which I was made to look like a total cad. In her eyes, I should get down on one knee and ask my beloved for her hand in marriage and I am a blackguard for not having done so.
“Just marry the woman,” she kept saying as if I were some sort of movie villain.
The fact that I have been married before is irrelevant. She and her hubby are very happily married and she cannot grasp the concept of being in a wonderful relationship without being married.
About two months later we went to Bologna with a group friends, two of whom, D and S, were also unmarried. Their relationship had been blossoming for almost as long as ours and pretty soon the conversation came round to marriage.
D told me that he didn’t want to get married and although he hadn’t ruled it out, he was happy to carry on living the way they were. On the other hand, S confided in Mrs PM that she would love to walk down the aisle with D but that he was reluctant to.
Mrs PM became a wedding planner and told D that he should marry S.
Fast forward a month or two and S announced that the two of them had got married in secret with a tiny ceremony and only family present (I don’t think D wanted a big party).
We were shocked. I asked D later:
“I thought you didn’t want to get married?”
“I thought you didn’t want to get married?”
He told me that S had simply asked him outright and he had agreed.
Of course, since then, this group of friends have been openly asking us when I am going to make an honest woman of Mrs PM. And, yes, they are all happily married.
Fast forward to last week. A work colleague had been reading this blog with a view to enjoying a bit of banter at my expense. Of all the things I had written, he homed in on one thing, and it wasn’t the embarrassing rants that leave me exposed to ridicule.
“Why do you call your missus “Mrs PM” in your blog when you’re not married?” he asked, sensing blood in the water.
What followed was a very uncomfortable conversation with him and other colleagues about my impending wedding that isn’t actually going to happen.
Fast forward again to last night. Another female friend has recently started a relationship with a very loving guy. They have been together for six months and he is very romantic. He told her a while ago to pick a holiday in Europe.
“We can go anywhere,” he said. “Close your eyes, take this pin and I’ll get a map of Europe. We’ll go wherever you put the pin down.”
When she opened her eyes, she saw that he hadn’t put a map of Europe down at all. It was a map of Venice, a city that she had always wanted to visit.
That’s where they are now.
And last night, she changed her status on Facebook to “engaged”.
Yes, this romantic guy had taken her to her favourite city and proposed.
I am delighted for them and I applaud his ingenuity and the way he planned to pop the question.
We are going out for a meal with them in a couple of weeks so I anticipate once again that the conversation will once more turn to the wedding that Mrs PM and I are not having and yet more accusations that I am a heartless monster for not wanting to pay a fortune to seal our relationship with a little bit of paper.
Even my own government chip in occasionally, citing the importance of family values in their pompous way. In their eyes, people should get married and remain married, despite any problems the relationship may have.
It’s all a bit hypocritical because most of them are philandering aresholes.
So for everyone out there who seems to want to marry me off, let me just say this.
Please stop planning my wedding for me.
I will get married if and when Mrs PM and I decide to and not before.
Also, I may just start referring to Mrs PM as Ms PM in future.