Thursday, 29 November 2012

The Twilight Saga Is Rubbish



Warning – if you haven’t seen The Twilight Saga and want to watch it (for some insane reason) – DON’T!!!!

If you insist on watching it, despite my warning, this post may contain spoilers! And I’m not talking about the plot.

I like vampires and I love stories and novels involving these horrific creatures of the night but I have one thing to say about The Twilight Saga.

It is official:

The Twilight Saga is rubbish!

Last night, I had to pay a heavy price for dragging Mrs PM to see The Avengers (or as it’s called in the UK The Avengers Assemble) earlier this year.

She told me that I would have to go and see a film of her choice and so keen was I that I agreed immediately. Last night was payback.

Last night I had to go to the cinema to watch Breaking Dawn Part Two the final film in The Twilight Saga.

I had already seen the first three movies and had decided that I was not going to watch the remainder of the series – because it was utter rubbish.

I know what you’re asking:

“Why did you see THREE of the films if you think they are rubbish?”

I saw the first film on Sky Movies because it was on. I had heard that it was all about vampires and watched it because of my love of everything to do with undead bloodsucking monsters. Imagine how horrified I was when I sat through two hours of romantic tosh.

The second movie was on a long haul flight when there was quite literally nothing else to do. I had finished my book and was so bored that I was counting the hairs on the head of the woman snoring next to me. I had to watch a film – it was the only one on. It was two hours of romantic tosh.

The third movie was also on a long haul flight. Again I was so bored that this time I actually started reading the in-flight magazine. I had to watch a film. When I saw the choices, I sighed in disgust but watched it anyway. It was two hours of romantic tosh.

I vowed not to watch any more.

That was until Mrs PM told me the film she wanted to see.

“AWWW NOOO!!!!” I wailed. “You said you ENJOYED The Avengers Assemble. You CAN’T make me go to see that garbage. I haven’t even seen the FOURTH one.”

My pleas fell on deaf ears. I actually paid money to watch the fourth movie, Breaking Dawn Part One, on my laptop from Sky Anytime, and sat in the lounge having connected it to the TV, so that I would have at least an inkling about what was going on in the fifth movie.

Liquorice, my hellcat, was sitting on my lap staring at me as I struggled through the film. Liquorice stared at me as if to say:

If you rant once or vomit at the insipid nature of this film, I will tear your face off into little strips. You will wish that you had been savaged by a vampire.”

She's a very eloquent cat.

“Not one of these useless vampires,” I wailed. “I’d rather be savaged by YOU than one of these bland bloodsuckers. Liquorice, YOU are far more scary than these limp vamps.”

She agreed and I watched it while trying desperately to control my reactions. Actually, half way through I was tempted to piss Liquorice off so that she would put me out of my misery.

In the cinema last night, I watched the final part and wasted two hours of my life, while desperately trying not to stand up and scream at the screen and the rest of the audience, who were mostly women. The only other men there were young guys trying to show how romantic they were, and other idiots like me who had been dragged to the cinema to suffer this drivel.

Although Mrs PM had forbidden me from bringing my soapbox along, I managed to sneak it in.

At one point, towards the end, when they were singing “I will love you forever,” I said, to myself but sadly loudly enough for Mrs PM to hear:

“For God’s sake – when is this crap going to END?”

She realised I had brought my soapbox.

Now I realise that there are a lot of Twilight fans out there and they are mostly women (probably ALL women).

Please allow me to tell you why I think that The Twilight Saga is rubbish.

(1) The Vampires are tedium personified.

Vampires are supposed to be evil creatures, driven by blood lust; they are insatiable monsters with no feelings and no desires other than guzzling as much blood as they can from human beings.

Instead, in Twilight, we are presented with a bunch of toothless chumps, none more so than Edward Cullen, the main “vampire” played by Robert Pattinson.

(2) The Vampires are not monsters.

Vampires are supposed to be totally scary and, if you are human, you should be terrified of having all of the blood sucked out of your body through hideously long fangs that puncture your neck and draw all of your lifeblood through the carotid artery.

In some movies and novels, vampires tear their victims apart, such is their insatiable appetite for blood.

In Twilight they don’t even have bloody fangs.

(3) The Vampires sparkle in daylight.

What is going on?

Vampires, when confronted by the sun, explode in a tsunami of burning flesh, or melt into a pile of ash. The do not “twinkle” like they do in this cesspit of a saga.

(4) The Werewolves can change at the drop of a paw.

Werewolves change into murderous monsters when the full moon rises – and rip human beings to bits in an orgy of bestial ferocity. They wake up totally unaware of what they have done.

Not in Twilight - OH NO!

The Twilight wolves are like big growling puppies and can change whenever they feel the need to be lead around on a lead.

It’s pathetic.

(5) Jacob Black is stupid idiot.

This “werewolf” cuts off his hair and flexes his muscles and turns into a whimpering mutt that growls a lot. He rages about vampires but does nothing about them other than moan in human form and growl in wolf form.

He seems to spend the entire set of films looking as if he’s going to burst into tears.

And worst of all, he has a crush on Bella Swann.

(6) Bella Swann is wetter than a fish’s armpit.

The reason the main character, Bella Swann, is torn between a vampire and a werewolf is that no human male would touch her with a bargepole.

While Kristen Stewart isn’t a bad looking lass, the character is deplorable.

If I had been a vampire I would have drained her blood and cast her aside.

If I had been a werewolf I would have not bothered ripping her throat out because werewolves traditionally do not like fish.

(7) Edward Cullen is the worst Vampire in the history of the Vampiric race.

I hope that Robert Pattinson isn’t as lame as Edward Cullen.

He’s about as terrifying as a kitten playing with a ball of wool.

Even when Edward Cullen is supposed to be scary, he simply isn’t.

And since when did vampires wear hair gel and look completely and utterly lost when around humans?

He looks like he’s two fangs short of being a vampire. I wish somebody had put him out of his misery at the start of the film. Then perhaps Bella Swann would have faded into obscurity.

He is a DISGRACE!!!

(8) Is there anything good about The Twilight Saga, you moaning Mancunian git?

I can hear you asking – do you think there are any GOOD points in The Twilight Saga?”

Yes – the vampire/werewolf fight at the end of the final film – where I hoped that we would see lots of blood and gore. I liked seeing heads ripped off and the main characters gradually being killed off – but then they spoiled it by making it all a vision of the future.

And they all bloody well survived – even soppy old Jacob Black who all of a sudden being a vampire baby’s pet pooch.

I won’t ever watch these films again.

Vampires are meant to be evil, blood-sucking monsters who scare the hell out of people before eating them and causing a painful horrible death.

They are not soppy gel-wearing idiots that fall in love with fishy females.

Werewolves are equally vicious monsters who rip the throat out of girls.

They do not allow girls to put a lead on them, take them for a walk and pick up their poo.

Bella Swann should never have had a boyfriend – she doesn’t deserve one.

If you like vampires – watch True Blood or read the Sookie Stackhouse novels from whence the series came. They are proper vampires.



Or the Blade Trilogy, particularly Blade II, where the vampires themselves are hunted by a more horrific species of vampire.


Or better still, read Brian Lumley’s Necroscope series, where the vampires are so evil and monstrous that they scare me half to death just  thinking about them. If ever they make a movie out of Necroscope it wills scare the Twilight audience so much they won’t sleep for a year.


There is one good thing about Breaking Dawn Part Two – I managed to amass approximately 10,000 Brownie Points from Mrs PM.

I will probably lose them when she reads this post.

21 comments:

Pandora Behr said...

This made me laugh out loud - she who is thinking of seeing this tonight as the house is still too hot to stay in for long perious of time.

I agree with most of what you are saying - though I've read the books - the first one was actually not that bad - by the fourth one I wanted to brain the person who gave the writer a word processer.

I too agree that vamps need to be scary - True Blood (Vampire Porn) is excellent.
Also rather fond of Buffy - which you missed - okay not quite as menacing as True Blood, but it has humour and its moments. good post.

(and I loved The Avengers (Ensemble) Fun film.

drb said...

Oh Mr PM, get off your soap box because you are barking up the wrong tree. You pathetic sod totally miss the point. The Twilight Saga is not meant to be a run of the mill scary vampire stories. It is a fantasy of women to have to devastating powerful and good looking men fighting and scacrifcing for her love while she agonise over the choices!!! BTW, vampires and werewolf are al figment of imaginations and Stephenie Myer dared to reinvent the vampire and werewolf images to attract the different readership (a bigger one too) from the regular horror genre fans. The reason why she is successful and other writers or wannabe writers are not. Sorry, this is the worst blog from you Mr PM. I thought a sophitiscated man like you would have managed to see that the twilight series are just Mill-and-Boon with a clever twist.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

Mrs PM has read the books too - ad she likes them.

Ha ha - yes True Blood is vampire porn - but that is partly the point. Vampires are supposed to be driven by lust and the need for blood.

I didn't really watch Buffy - that was too "safe" for me though compared to Twilight it is positively terrifying.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Plastic Mancunian said...

Dearest drb,

What a fabulous comment :-)

That's pretty much what Mrs PM says. I read it to her and she laughed and said "that's YOU told!".

Stephenie Meyer has ruined the vampire mythos because now young women who love Twilight will expect all films and books involving vampires to be the same.

Vampires are monsters - not romantic icons. If you read the history of the myth you will see that these are creatures that aren't to be trifled with.

I am sophisticated - but I also like to preserve the ideals of the genre. Mills and Boon is for those who like romance - that's fine. Vampires are for those who like to be scared half to death by blood sucking monsters.

The two don't mix and should never ever ever be mixed.

The Twilight Saga should have been one book; Bella meets Edward in the middle of the night, Edward rips Bella's head off; Jacob and Edward have a massive fight resulting in vampires and werewolves having an enormous battle with lots of casualties on both sides and a few humans too.

I might have been happier with that.

Fabulous comment by the way.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Kath Lockett said...

I suffered through the first three when Sapphire had read the books but

.... and it makes me so relieved and proud to say this

.... she wasn't interested in seeing the last two because she'd "outgrown" them!

Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

Mrs PM read all of them and loved them.

I would never even consider picking them up.

Awful drivel.

:0)

Cheers

PM

River said...

Jotting down - Brian Lumley's Necroscope series...thanks, I'll look for it.

I've been meaning to see the Blade Trilogy for years, I must get onto that.
I've never seen the Twilight movies, never even read the books. Don't plan to either. Like you, I prefer my vampires uber scary.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

There are 13 Necroscope books! Most well worth a read.

The first two Blade films are fab. The third one is okay but a disappointment.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Anonymous said...

I haven't seen any of them and was wondering if I should bother. After reading this I'm glad I haven't bothered and I doubt if I will do so any time in the future. I've been put off by the casting. They all look like they spend their days off lurking in the darker recesses of Hollister & Co

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anon,

I'm glad - you wouldn't enjoy them, of that I'm certain.

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

O Mr PM, Rob actually liked the first movie enough to be dragged to watch the second one. Bt he dodn;t like the second one.
I have not seen the rest of the movies myself but I love the books, which are 10 times better than the movies. The vampires and werewolves described were scarier although not as scary as the ones you listed.

Rob was surprised that you took my comments well. :-)

What do think abt the vampires in 'The Vampire Chronicles' by Anne Rice? Still to soppy?

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I hated the first movie.

The books are ten times better than the movies? Ten times better than a 0 out of 10 is 0!

;-)

I have a thick skin, drb, and the whole point of the post was to get people to disagree with me.

:-)

FYI - I've only seen "Interview With The Vampire" and I thought it was a good film. I might give the books a go.

At least they are proper vampires (not plastic ones).

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

HA! I knew you would say 10X0 = 0!

Plastic Mancunian said...

I aim to please, drb, I aim to please.

:-)

drb said...

LOL :-D

Anonymous said...

love your comment. I myself like enjoy the concept of vampires, werewolves and fallen angels; I like the mystery, wildness and NOT-happy endings behind it. The so-called Twilight genius is a pathetic, cliche, badly-written...something and does not amount to anything. I sometimes wander if the author was laughing at it all knowing it was all rubbish whilst writing those books? Hm....:/

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anon,

Yes - totally agree with all of that. Let's hope she steers away from vampires now.

:0)

Cheers

PM

DelGal said...

Dearest PM -

I will quickly start with the admission that I am a big vampire fan, was a big Anne Rice fan back in the day. I'm also very "protective" of the vampire character in that I don't particularly like vampire slayer themes, sure they're monsters, but that's the point!

I picked up the first installment of Meyer's book, it was OK, but I have no calling to read any other. Likewise, I couldn't make it through even the first movie, not my thing, too much mush, and I'm a girl and sometimes like mush. Evil and sexy is one thing, fake evil and lots of mush is not a good thing, blech. On a side note though, Meyer's non-vamp book, "The Host" is really good.

I had to laugh when I went shopping the day after reading this post because I came across a big display of "girlie" perfume at a Walmart (it's an ASDA if you're not aware of that store) and it depicted a white neck and blood red lips. I admit it caught my attention but when I saw the sign "Vampire perfume" I nearly died laughing. The selling of girlie vampire stuff has saturated the market and it's getting ridiculous. I think we all need to go back to worrying about getting garlic to ward them off, rather than getting sexy perfume to attract them! :)

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Lynette,

Vampire perfume? What's happening in the world today?

I've not read any Anne Rice - but the one film I've seen was okay.

:-)

Cheers

PM

Anonymous said...

I do not usually say this but this is a terrible article.You know it would be good if A you thought about other people and Stephenie Meyer's feelings and B, took a different approach. Vampires qnd werewolves do not have to be this sick image you paint of them. Even if you feel this strongly, you should keep your mouth closed, or even better not have read them in the first place :-\

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anon,

Thanks for the comment.

I'm absolutely certain that Stephanie Meyers has read much more damning reports about her novels than I have given.

Also, I haven't actually read the books; I am commenting on the films - about which I have every right to do, given that I have directly or indirectly contributed to Stephanie Meyer's wealth.

We all have opinions. I certainly don't mind reading your views on my post - even though your views are not actually on my post but rather my opinions.

Next time - please:

(a) Leave your name.
(b) Try engaging me rather than calling my article "terrible" just because you disapprove.

I am a nice guy and am willing to discuss the merits or otherwise of the Twilight Saga - as you can probably see from other comments on the post.

Many thanks,

PM