Monday, 27 August 2012
An idiot who calls himself The Plastic Mancunian (PM)
A lovely lady whom this idiot calls Mrs PM
A Spaniard who is a horse drawn carriage driver who I shall call El Conductor
Several Spanish friends of El Conductor
PM and Mrs PM are walking back to their hotel. They are approaching El Conductor and his friends.
PM: Look – it’s those horse drawn carriages.
Mrs PM: Nice aren’t they?
El Conductor points to the horse, says something in Spanish with the word caballo in it – Spanish for “horse”
PM: No gracias.
El Conductor points to the horse again.
PM: Just ignore him. We’ll walk past and he won’t ask us again.
El Conductor: Hey Pedro!
PM: The cheeky bugger! What does he mean? “Hey Pedro”? Just keep on walking.
El Conductor: Hey! Hey! Hey! Pedro!!
PM: What the hell is he calling me Pedro for? Bloody cheek! Let’s just carry on. Ignore him.
El Conductor: HEY! PEDRO! HEY! HEY!!!!
PM (getting annoyed now): I tell you what, these guys just won’t take no for a bloody answer will they? And why the hell is he calling me Pedro? Does he think that I'll turn round? Is he taking the piss?
El Conductor: HEY! HEY! HEEEEEEYYYYY!!! PEDDRRROOOO!!!!!!
PM: I’m starting to get really annoyed now. I haven’t met a single Spanish person here that has been unfriendly or irritating and this guy is ruining it all. What's his beef with me? And why the HELL is he calling me Pedro? We just have to carry on walking – just don’t look around! It will encourage him.
El Conductor: HEY!!!!! PEDRO!!! PEDRO!!!! PEDRO!!!!!!
El Conductor speaks some Spanish very quickly, Spanish that PM don’t understand.
PM: Right – that’s it. Enough's enough! Are you listening to me? Why aren’t you answering?
PM looks around for Mrs PM. She is not next to him. She is standing next to El Conductor with her hands on her hips and that face that says PM has just made a mistake.
A penny drops.
The idiot who is PM has walked past El Conductor and his friends totally unaware that he should have turned right. Mrs PM knew this and waited for the buffoon to realise:
(a) He is going completely the wrong way.
(b) He has left his beloved lady behind and didn’t realise it.
(c) He has walked at least 25 yards talking to himself like a mad fool.
(d) El Conductor was simply calling the buffoon Pedro because he didn’t know the fool’s name.
(e) Everyone is laughing at the idiot.
PM: Oh shit!!!
El Conductor (laughing – to Mrs PM): Señora – no te quiere! (He doesn’t love you).
All the Spaniards laugh.
Mrs PM: Yo se!! (I know),
All the Spaniards laugh again.
PM walks back looking like a dejected pratt!
PM: I’m sorry.
Mrs PM: You will be – you idiot. And you have a go at me for not having a sense of direction.
PM: I know.
Mrs PM: And you walk off and leave me behind.
PM: I know.
El Conductor: Adios señora. Adios Pedro.
PM: Adios señor. Lo siento. (I'm sorry)
Mrs PM: You should be saying “Lo siento” to ME!
PM: What’s the phrase I’m looking for? Tengo mucho huevo en mi cara.
Mrs PM laughs. The idiot has a lot of egg on his face.
Thank God there was no Act Two.