Friday, 16 March 2012
It’s official – golf is rubbish!
I apologise to any Scottish people who may be reading or any sad individuals who love to watch or play this so-called sport, but that’s the way I feel.
I’ve always wondered what the point of golf is and in order to educate myself I’ve done some research.
Golf is DEFINITELY rubbish.
First of all, golf is described as “sport”. But it isn’t really a sport, is it? If you describe the act of walking around a golf course with a bag full of bats, occasionally whacking a little white ball in the general direction of a little hole in the middle of a mown area of grass, anything other than utter tedium then you are quite frankly delusional.
So what is golf? What do you need to be a golfer? What qualities should you have to be able to endure watching or playing this monotonous, mind-numbing, dreary and pointless activity?
Here are some things that golfers need to know:
An expensive set of golf bats
Golf bats (or “clubs” as golfers call them) are just metal sticks with a lump at the end that is needed to hit the ball. These bats come in different forms:
A wood – a bat with a wooden stump for whacking the ball a long distance.
An iron – a bat for hitting the ball smaller distances.
A hybrid – an abomination produced by the union of a wood bat and an iron bat – for Libran and other indecisive golfers.
A wedge – a bat to hit the ball short distances from sand for example (a sandwich or is that "sand wedge"?).
A putter – a bat to hit the ball into the hole – “put” the ball in the hole if you like.
Golf bats cost a bloody fortune and they usually come in a big heavy bag. It might be good exercise to carry such a bag around a golf course – but golfers, being lazy old men, usually employ what’s known as a caddy (or “slave”) to carry them round for them.
People who like golf have no dress sense whatsoever. These men and women wear the most ridiculous trousers – presumably so that other golfers can aim at them on the golf course.
Golf balls are tiny and difficult to hit. When you hit them up towards the sky you can no longer see them. Neither can TV cameras. All of a sudden you see a golfer swing his bat and the next then, spectators (and the golfers themselves) are searching the clouds for any trace of their ball. And then, when the ball lands (amongst other lost golf balls) the golfer can claim that the one nearest the hole is his, even though in reality, the one he hit is probably stuck in a tree or has landed in the middle of a lake that is conveniently located in the middle of the fairway.
All golfers are therefore cheats.
Lots of money
Golfers are usually businessmen who like to grease each other’s palms and give each other funny handshakes while strolling around batting balls into little holes and cheating. To become a member of a golf club you need to wait for approximately one year on average and then pay a fortune to stay there.
Knowledge of weird words
Golf terms are funny. Here are some I discovered, with translations:
Par – apparently each hole has a an average number of shots taken to bat the ball into the little hole. This is called the par – for example – this is a par three hole.
Fore – when aiming at the other golfers, you are supposed to shout “FORE!” to them to warn them that you have batted the ball in their general direction. I think you are supposed to do this before the ball actually hits them.
Bogey – one over par for the hole – NOT something that comes out of one nostril.
Double Bogey – two over par for the hole – NOT something that comes out of both nostrils.
Birdie – one under par for the hole – NOT a little bird.
Bunker – a conveniently located lump of sand meant to trap balls – NOT somewhere to hide.
Albatross – three under par for the hole – NOT a big bird with massive wings.
Driver – A big bat for clobbering the ball – NOT a man to drive lazy golfers around the course on those little buggy things.
Follow through – Part of the action when a golfer bats the ball – NOT an accident when farting.
Clearly some people like golf. These people have lots of patience or are excited by watching paint dry or studying grass as it grows.
Normal people think it is a waste of time. I have had to endure a golf championship in the company of Mrs PM’s dad who likes golf. I was comatose by the end of it. Some guy called Tiger Woods won it – I thought he was just a rich man who had been caught doing naughty things – I didn’t realise he was a man who spent all of his time whacking balls and being paid a fortune for it.
“What do you do for a living Mr Woods?”
“I hit little white balls in the general direction of other people on a nice patch of grassy land and then at some point put the ball into little holes. I have a big leather bag full of sticks (or “bats” if you want to use the technical term). I also wear stupid clothes and am paid enormous sums of money for it. And I get the odd birdie – but that’s another story.”
Crikey – how hard can that be? And he earns a bloody fortune.
I think I may take it up.
Actually, on second thoughts, I won’t.
There is no way that Mrs PM would let me wear those ridiculous trousers.