Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, ...


This post is a little crude.

I apologise for that in advance but I feel I need to post about something that has irritated me for the past year or two.

I have two personal email accounts, one for this blog and one other.

The email for for this blog is fairly anonymous and serves to inform me when people have commented on the blog, people who have decided to follow me on Twitter and other fairly mundane stuff.

I get a few emails as you would imagine. However, I get thousands of emails in a folder called Spam.

I feel like I’ve been to this transport cafĂ©:



I have never used my email account to tell anybody about any problems, even anonymously. Yet I am discovering that people want to help me, in many different ways, to improve my personal life. And they are sending me thousands of emails to tell me.

And these people are persistent, I can tell you.

I don’t ever recall telling anybody that I am having trouble in the bedroom department. And before you start sniggering, I am functioning perfectly.

Yet somebody somewhere feels the need to continually offer me a solution to a non-existent problem, in the form of a little blue pill called Viagra.

And it’s not just one email – its loads of them – from many different sources.

If really did have the problem that Viagra solves, do you think I would send out an email to lots of random people saying:

Hey guys, have you got a cure for erectile dysfunction? I have a real problem with that - and PLEASE don’t tell my mates.

It’s bad enough seeing an email like:

Hey, Plastic, do you have problems between the sheets? We guarantee to give you the power to make a HUGE tent in your bed.

without the ignominy of a mate seeing the email and saying:

Is there something you want to tell us, Dave? Hey lads, it looks like Dave needs some help in the trouser department.

It’s not just Viagra spam. Other emails offer a more drastic solution to problems in that area.

Hey Plastic, do girls laugh at your small winkie? With our winkie extension procedure we can guarantee that you will positively WANT to slowly change your underwear in a room full of hot women. Most will faint and those that don’t will want to jump on you. What’s more, you’ll be so proud that your winkie has turned into a monster that you will want to show it off to your mates.

Change my underwear slowly in a room full of women? Show my mates? I don’t think I could survive either of those without violent pain or eternal savaging.

I’ve heard that the procedure possibly involves a needle or worse.

Why would I even consider such drastic action?

As well as offering bodily enhancements, I have been offered brides from various parts of the world.

Hey Plastic, are you desperately lonely? Do you want to meet Russian women? Or Chinese women? Or Thai women? Or French women? Or American women? Or British women? Or any women from anywhere in the world? We can guarantee that you will meet and marry a voluptuous woman, even if you look like the rear end of a baboon and have the personality of Marvin the Paranoid Android.

And it’s worse than that. These people know where I live.

Hey Plastic, join our dating site and we guarantee you will find the love of your life. We have thousands of HOT WOMEN in the Manchester area ALL dying to meet you.

Presumably if they know I have been receiving emails about erectile dysfunction, winkie extensions and mail order brides they will come armed with Viagra, needles and weapons of pain.

I’m half expecting them to knock on my door asking for a guy called Plastic Mancunian, a name that, when I think about it, makes me sound like some weird pervert.

I would like to just say one thing to anybody who reads this and who happens to send me these spammy emails.

PLEASE STOP!!!!

Your emails only end up in a folder labelled Spam and I delete them without reading them (even though they have amusing titles).

Perhaps I should just change my email address and the name of my blog and the pseudonym I use.

How about one of these?

Rock Hammer

Goliath Fist


Brutus Bonecrusher

None of them are really me and I would bet I would still receive emails like:

Hey Goliath, are you ashamed of your winkie?

Perhaps I should just call myself Chuck Norris. That might work here are some Chuck Norris facts that might deter spammers:

Chuck Norris never sleeps – he waits

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors

Ghosts are caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than the Grim Reaper can process them

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain

Chuck Norris doesn’t do press-ups. He pushes the earth down

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle

Chuck Norris died ten years ago but the Grim Reaper is too afraid to tell him

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse

Chuck Norris is the only man on earth who can kick you in the back of the face

Chuck Norris can punch a man in the soul

An important fact I could spread is

Chuck Norris tracks down spammers and makes them eat their own Viagra.

Actually on second thoughts please don’t tell Chuck Norris that a guy called Plastic is trying to use his name; I think I’d rather take my chances with the Viagra.


19 comments:

The Elephant's Child said...

They also offer me a bigger penis on a regular basis. Though even a small one would be bigger than any I own. And Viagra, and various anti depressants - presumably to get me through my penis free life. Please, please, just go away. Not going to buy your products.

Mind Of Mine said...

Do you know your blog template is sponsored by Sexy Emo Wallpapers?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi MoM,

That explains a lot.

:0)

Cheers

PM

Pandora Behr said...

Thank you PM - have just had the best laugh of the day - LOVE IT! Especially the Chuck Norris jokes.

Keep up the good work - fellow spam hater.

River said...

LOVE the Chuck Norris jokes.
Have you ever tried the Turkey Spam pictured there? A friend of mine loves it cold on sandwiches or fried and eaten with eggs and baked beans. Goes through a couple of cans a week.

Jackie K said...

Chuck Norris doesn't get spam in his email because he knows where the spammers live.

Thanks for the chuckles!

drb said...

Mr PM,

As an IT person, can you please explain why junk email is called SPAM?

Ta!

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pand,

Spam just gives me something else to rant about.

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

I like spam but I haven't tried turkey spam. I would given the chance.

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Jackie,

Just as long as he doesn't know where I live.

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I have no idea but I think it might be a Monty Python thing. If I find out I shall let you know.

:-)

Cheers

PM

Anji said...

I get the same spam and I haven't even got 'one of those'.

I love the Chuck Norris jokes

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

Mrs PM gets them too.

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Anji,

Mrs PM gets them too.

:-)

Cheers

PM

Kath Lockett said...

If it makes you feel any better, my name might be officially 'Katherine' and be on all my email accounts but I too apparently have a donger that's too small and could use some help!

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Bonjour Kath,

That doesn't surprise me at all. I am half expecting spam about breast implants.

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi EC - must have missed your comment.

I think spam is depressing so they think you will buy anti-depressants to cope with it.

:0)

Cheers

PM

drb said...

Hi Mr PM,
I bought a tin of SPAM yesterdat and ate SPAM for breakfast ad lunch today! This was the first time I had SPAM after moving out of home for 20 years! It was one of my fav junk food as a child. I had to blame the SPAM clip on your blog after seeing Rob's raised eye brows and accusing eyes. Rob shook his head - his body is his temple. :-)

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi drb,

I must admit - I haven't had SPAM for donkey's years. But unlike Rob, I would try some (as I said to River).

Maybe I wiil add it to the shopping list this week - and it's my turn too.

:0)

Cheers

PM