Saturday, 17 April 2010

Liar! Liar!


Talking about politicians has really got me thinking – about lying. As I said in my previous post, I simply cannot lie. Well, that’s not true – I cannot lie convincingly, hence I have to tell the truth – well mostly – well sometimes – OK hardly ever!

As a human being we all tell lies and anybody who says that they do not tell lies is in fact a total liar. Some people are quite honest but even these trustworthy people occasionally tell the odd white lie.

Sometimes, telling a lie is better than telling the truth. For example:

“Don’t worry about it; people will never notice.”

I thought I would have a bit of fun and trawl the internet for some popular lies. Here are some of the better ones I found:

Trust me. I know what I’m doing.

I didn’t do it.

I’m sorry.

I can’t make it.

Don’t sit too close to the TV. You will go blind.

This won’t hurt.

It was him/her.

I’ve never met her before.

I’m working late tonight.

Our company is going from strength to strength.

If you are awake when Father Christmas comes, he won’t give you your presents.

Father Christmas lives up the chimney.

I’m popping down the pub. I’ll be back in 30 minutes.

If you don’t wash behind your ears, potatoes will grow there.

We will be profitable at the end of the year and our employees will share in those profits.

I don’t have any change.

I can keep a secret.

Tell me the truth. You won’t get into trouble.

I see what your saying but …

The moon is made of cheese and mice live there in tiny cities.

Don’t swim just after eating – you might drown.

I’m open to new ideas.

I can change.

I can’t come out with you – I’m washing my hair.

No – it doesn’t make you look fat.

I’ll pay you back next week.

Babies are found under gooseberry bushes.

We will not raise taxes.

Stop playing with that – you’ll have somebody’s eyes out.

He/she is just a friend.

Bob Holness played saxophone on “Baker Street”

Click here to make millions of dollars without having to work.

Your account has been frozen. Send us you bank details and we will fix it for you.

Yes – I will respect you in the morning.

If you swear, you will be arrested by the police.

There will be a pay increase next year.

Carrots make you see in the dark.

Don’t pull faces. If the wind changes you it will stay like that.

The dog ate my homework.

It wasn’t me.

If your feet stick out of the bed tonight, Jack Frost will cut off your toes.

There were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

I pulled a stunning woman last night.

I’m ill.

It will be finished by the end of next week.

Strip club? No – I wouldn’t go near such a place.

Be good or Father Christmas won’t bring you any presents.

If you eat too many eggs you turn into a chicken.

The best way to get rid of zits is to rub jelly into them.

Don’t eat the pips – fruit will grow in your stomach.

Of course we’ll come to your party.

I’m not angry with you.

Let’s just be friends.

I have 500 friends on Facebook and they are all true friends.

I was a good little boy.

No, the cat didn’t die. He just ran away.

I would pay but I’ve left my wallet at home.

I can drink more than you.

All the girls fancy me.

Eating an apple and drinking tea at the same time will poison you.

The stork brings babies.

It was like that when I got home.

This house is in a sought after location.

I have the greatest respect for you.

The neighbourhood is very nice.

I’ll be home in twenty minutes.

I will do my best.

"The Plastic Mancunian" is the world’s greatest blog.

I particularly like the last one and I tell everybody who I know that there is a really funny and really popular blog by a heroic Mancunian writer who is anonymous, in order to drag new readers to my blog.

Actually, I don’t. That’s another lie. Anyway, dear reader, over to you:

Do you have any fabulous lies that you have told or been the victim of?

What lies did your parents tell you as kids?

What is the biggest lie you’ve heard?

What is the funniest lie you’ve heard?

I’m all ears because I really need to make an effort to control my body language when lying. I will try them out on Mrs PM to see if I can disguise my “lying voice” and “lying face”.

Talking of lies that parents tell their kids; my dad frightened the life out of me when, aged 7, I was messing about in bed instead of going to sleep. He told me: “Look – if you don’t go to sleep, the Night Monster will come and take you away”.

I didn’t sleep a wink all night.

4 comments:

Kath Lockett said...

Dad told me that if I ate my crusts it'd make my teeth grow curly and if I remembered my manners, my chest hair would be really strong.

He's helped me a lot. :)

The Plastic Mancunian said...

G'Day Kath,

Crikey - it looks like I ate loads of crusts and forgot my manners.

:-)

Cheers

PM

River said...

I was told that if I ate my crusts my hair would curl. I never understood why I was told this, since I thought the crust was the best part of the bread, so I always ate it, and my hair was already curly. In later years, when I had my first baby, my mum told me to rub the urine soaked nappy over her scalp as this would make her hair grow thick and strong. I didn't do it.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi River,

Oh no! I have the world's worst thick and curly and unmanageable hair (I think I might have hinted at this in previous posts) and I really love crusts too.

Oh dear - I wonder whether my Mum believed that old wives tale about urine soaked nappies? If there is any truth in it whatsoever then my Mum must have basted my scalp in my own urine ...

:0)

Cheers

PM