Tuesday, 12 January 2010
I’ve got crow’s feet – and that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of weird avian-human hybrid.
I’m referring to the lines that appeared next to my eyes. I’ve had them for a few years now. When I look in the mirror, these grooves appear to becoming more pronounced, almost like monstrous fissures being ploughed into my skin. If you look closely at the skin around my eyes you can see a startling resemblance to the Grand Canyon.
But it’s not just my eyes.
I have deep furrows rampaging across my brow and when I frown it looks like I have been attacked by Gillette Fusion razor – not exactly the best a man can get.
And it doesn’t stop there.
I have said in the past that I look young for my age – and that is true – but I am beginning to notice more signs of aging. The closer I look at my face, the more haggard I appear to be. Jowls are being cultivated on my face, growing as if some weird farmer were spreading manure on them.
It is most unpleasant.
And I’m sure I saw a grey hair in that massive jungle on my head (though that could have been the light reflecting off a blonde hair).
I’m at a crossroads, dear reader. What should I do?
One of the choices I have is to remove all signs of aging by having cosmetic surgery. I am sure that there is a surgeon who can change my face to look like this:
What do you mean that’s impossible?
Well, of course it is – I agree. And to be honest I would rather become a wrinkly old prune than pay a gargantuan amount of cash to have my jowls hoovered, my wrinkles ironed or my facial skin lifted so that my navel ends up as a dimple on my chin.
Nevertheless, it did get me thinking. If I were crazy enough to allow myself to placed in the hands of a crazed cosmetic surgeon, what could I do to improve my looks?
Anybody who suggests being beaten with a cricket bat would make me look more attractive can stop reading now.
For the rest of you:
Surgical face lift
A surgical face lift involves having your face molested by a scalpel, resulting in your skin being sliced and diced, before repositioned great swathes of skin and stitching it all into place. The incisions are supposedly discrete so that you don’t look young with a great big scar slashed across you new visage. Usually the butchers slice along your hairline or behind your ears where they say (hope) that neither you nor anybody else will ever notice.
I tell you what, you would have to be excessively ugly, excessively old looking or so vain that you think there is an entire galaxy up your arse, to even begin to consider having your face relocated.
And if you really do have a face like a saggy old arse, don’t you think that your friends won’t notice that you now, suddenly, look twenty years younger, with skin so tight that you have a permanent leering grin on your kisser?
And if you are bald won’t there be a huge scar right across you head?
I may slowly be mutating into an albino prune but a face lift is a definite no no!
So what else is there?
Acupuncture face lift
If you believe in acupuncture, you can have an acupuncture face lift. Basically this means instead of a mad surgeon coming at your face with a scalpel and pliers, a mad acupuncturist hurls needles into your face. Apparently, by sticking a needle into certain places, you can stimulate natural collagen production, thus pumping up your skin (a bit like a bicycle pump on a football but more localised).
I guess for a while you would end up looking like this:
I tell you what, the thought of needles in my face fills me with dread so that’s another one I wouldn’t consider.
Has anybody noticed how this word almost rhymes with “bollocks”? That can’t be a coincidence. Like acupuncture, botox involves needles but unlike acupuncture, a liquid is injected into your face.
Apparently this substance prevents muscles from contracting and relaxes them thus removing lines and wrinkles.
Now I’ve seen people who have had this and to me at least they look like they have been covered in plastic. They look weird – like a showroom dummy version of their former selves.
And, you have to have an injection. I can’t stress enough how afraid of needles I am; the thought of having a needle in my arm fills me with dread – but to be injected in the face?
Electronic Face Lift
Before you ask, this does not involve attaching a robotic device to your face, although there is a similarity. Basically with an electronic face lift, somebody electrocutes your face. That sounds bad but it isn’t really, because we’re not talking about a massive current that will make your hair stand on end; it is a small contraption that passes microcurrents through you muscles and stimulates them, thus strengthening them and fighting off those telltale lines. Basically you are prodded with a buzzing device for a few weeks. You are electrocuted (on a microscopic scale) for an hour at a time.
Presumably when they have finished with you, your head feels like it is on fire and you could probably jump start a car with your face.
You probably look as if your face has been badly sunburnt as well.
Sounds too weird to me.
Looks like I am going to grow old gracefully and watch my face transform into a wrinkled bag of old clothes. I don’t care.
I would rather look like an old man than be ridiculed for looking like Joe 90: