Many people have insulted me over the years. Many people still do.
I’m not talking about people who swear at me, or tell me in no uncertain terms what they think of me. I’m referring to clever little put downs that are rude but funny.
Below are some great examples of insults that I have stumbled upon while travelling in cyberspace, peppered with one or two that I have picked up from other people.
If you had brains, you’d be dangerous.
Keep talking – one day you might say something intelligent or interesting.
How do you manage to get dressed in the morning?
Don’t feel sad – there are a lot of other talentless people around.
Even stupid people think you are stupid.
If you spoke your mind you would be speechless.
Humans are meant to live and learn. You just live.
You’d be out of your depth in a puddle.
Crikey – take that bloody mask off. Oh sorry – you’re not wearing one.
Hi – I’m from Earth. Where are you from?
How did you get here? Did somebody leave a cage open?
When you fell out of the ugly tree, did you hit every branch?
100,000 sperm and you won the race?
You’re the kind of person they would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
Calling you “stupid” would be an insult to stupid people.
Is there a village somewhere missing an idiot?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You’re a sandwich short of a picnic.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
You are living proof that man can function without a brain.
Something crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Here are some insults from some of my favourite comedy shows:
"We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace and yet, Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it might come off."
“Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example – it is so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.”
“Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it.”
"The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"
“I can’t believe I’m doing this. Look at me – I’m disgusting. I look like you in your best clothes”
“I am Holly – the ship’s computer, with an IQ of 6000 – the same as 6000 PE teachers.”
“The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing, a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life. Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under- achievement. His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame: it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man. I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have allowed this man ever to be in a position where he might endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awesome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence counsel. An overzealous, trumped up little squirt, an incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long John Silver's parrot. Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his punishment. Defence rests.”
"Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
Two of my favourite insults supposedly come from Winston Churchill:
Woman: Sir, you are drunk!
Churchill: And you, madam are ugly! But at least I’ll be sober in the morning.
Woman: If you were my husband I would poison your tea.
Churchill: If you were my wife I would drink it.
Finally, here is a sketch from Alexei Sayle’s TV show, which I personally think is hilarious (my warped sense of humour I’m afraid). It demonstrates the clever use of put-downs but the point is emphasized with mindless violence.
What are your favourite insults?