Do you think you could cut it as an overpaid footballing prima donna? Is your arrogance matched only by your weekly salary?
Take the quiz below to see if you have what it takes to join an elite group of footballers whose egos are larger than Jupiter. Answer the following questions as honestly as you can.
(1) You find yourself in the penalty area with just a defender and a keeper to beat. What do you do?
(a) Attempt to beat the defender, while looking for an opening to have a shot.
(b) Draw the defender away from goal so that you can pass to a well placed team mate.
(c) Wait for the defender to come within an inch of you and then dive on the floor, rolling around as if you’ve been shot in the face at point blank range.
(2) A member of the opposing team fouls one of your team mates at the other end of the pitch. What do you do?
(a) Think about where you need to be for the impending free kick.
(b) Jog over to your nearest team mate and discuss the incident calmly.
(c) Sprint to the referee waving your arms like a demented Tasmanian Devil and screaming blue murder at the official. Insist that the offending player be dismissed from the pitch immediately.
(3) You are the last defender and the opposing striker is bearing down on goal. What do you do?
(a) Chase down the attacker, trying your best to win the ball cleanly but without committing a foul.
(b) Do your best to stop the attacker while calling to the keeper to minimise the attacker’s shooting opportunity.
(c) Take the attacker out using any means possible (preferably a two footed tackle that could possibly cause injury) and then protest your innocence, feigning total shock when the inevitable red card is shown.
(4) You are a defender and a corner is about to be taken. What do you do?
(a) Make sure that all strikers are marked, instructing team mates to cover any stray players.
(b) Cover the back post.
(c) Find the most dangerous opposing striker, grab him round the waist or neck and haul him down, accusing the player of diving when the referee spots your misdemeanour.
(5) Your team has just won a crucial game and a TV interviewer asks for your views on the game. What do you say?
(a) Express pleasure at the result, praising your team mates and the performance while giving a gracious word of commiseration to your opponents.
(b) Discuss the tactics and the manager’s approach to the game, describing how the opposition made it difficult to achieve the objectives you were set.
(c) Say the following “At the end of the day, we done a good job. Wazza’s goal was great y’kno and he did us proud. We had to score more goals than them and we did that. It could have been a banana skin but the lads did great. It was a game of two halves. We’ll keep our feet firmly on the ground and take each game as it comes …”
(6) You are on holiday and the owner of a major European club says publicly that he wants to make an offer for you with a salary of £500,000 a week. What do you do?
(a) Realise that you have two years left on your contract at your current club and ignore all of the speculation.
(b) Say that you are flattered by the attention but pledge you future to your current club
(c) See nothing but a way to treble your wealth and start saying that it has always been your dream to play for this club even though you don’t care one jot for them. After all, your salary of £100,000 a week at your current club isn’t enough to cover your sundry expenses is it?
(7) The manager of the club is under fire from the fans and the media for a couple of bad results. What do you do?
(a) Play your heart out for the club as you want to win for the fans and the manager.
(b) Publicly support the manager and dismiss the bad results as a slight dip in form.
(c) Use the opportunity to have a huge dig at the manager, saying that he has lost the support of every single player in the dressing room, whilst at the same time stating that you want to play for another club that will treble your already colossal salary.
(8) You are offered a new contract that increases your salary by 50%. What do you do?
(a) Accept the offer with open arms and pledge your allegiance to the club.
(b) Realise that you are lucky to be paid £100,000 a week and accept £150,000 considering yourself very lucky to be in such a great position.
(c) Publicly pledge your allegiance to the club yet secretly go behind the club’s back in order to get your already ridiculous salary doubled at your club’s closest rivals and when asked about it, lie through your teeth.
(9) Your beautiful model girlfriend/wife goes away on business leaving you for a couple of weeks to get on with your game. What do you do?
(a) Phone her every day telling her that you miss her and talk about her all the time, apart from when you are playing football.
(b) Regard her career as an occupational hazard and simply get on with playing football.
(c) Go to the most expensive night club in London, get absolutely totally rat-arsed and then search for any gold-digging slapper that has the stupidity to sleep with you.
(10) You are dropped by the manager for an important game. How do you react?
(a) Assume that the manager has a game plan for the next opponents and your style of play doesn’t fit into his strategy.
(b) Vow to improve your game but encourage the guys in the team because ultimately the results and the club are bigger than any one individual.
(c) Publicly slate the manager for having the audacity and stupidity to drop you, his greatest player. Throw all of your toys out of the pram and refuse to attend the game, choosing instead to race your top of the range Ferrari or go to an expensive night club to get rat-arsed.
(11) Is there anything bigger than your ego?
(a) What ego? I play for the love of the game.
(b) I am a humble player who is very lucky to be considered worth £100,000 a week.
(c) No! I am the greatest player that has ever lived. I am worth far more than £100,000 a week; I should be paid £2,000,000 a week. I am the best of the best of the best. I am bigger than any club or country in the world. All hail me!!!!!
If you answered mostly (a) or (b) then you don’t have what it takes to be a supercilious footballing arse.
If you answered mostly (c) then congratulations: you are indeed an overpaid prima donna whose arrogance is matched only by your ego. You would fit in really well at most big European clubs. In your eyes, you should be praised and worshipped for stooping low enough to ply your talent at any club in the world. You are also a total git.