Wednesday, 11 February 2009

Valentine's Day Massacre


I have to say that the post you are about to read is my most controversial yet. I am shaking as I type.

A day that I dread is approaching and an uncomfortable confrontation is imminent. That day is Saturday 14th February, a day that causes a rift between my good lady and myself. I loathe Valentine’s Day.

Let me explain. I have a problem with authority and hate being told what to do by anybody, including Mrs PM, my mum, my boss at work, the British Prime Minister and even the Queen herself. I am more likely to call the Queen “Liz” than “Your Majesty”.
I also hate being ripped off.

As Valentine’s Day approaches I find myself at odds with a faceless monster somewhere in the world who is trying to shame me into doing something that I disagree with and wasting valuable time and money for something that is manufactured solely to extract as much cash from my wallet as possible. I am being dictated to and told that I must:

(1) Waste my money on a pointless Valentine’s Day card.
(2) Waste my money on red roses that double in price at this time of year.
(3) Waste my time trying to book a romantic meal for two in a restaurant that will almost certainly be fully booked.
(4) Waste my money paying double prices for the “Valentine’s Day” special in the above restaurant if I am (un)fortunate enough to get a table for two.

I can imagine that people reading so far are divided.

The women are thinking “You callous unromantic arsehole! You should be ashamed of yourself.”

The men are thinking one of three things; “You na├»ve idiot!” or “Well said mate!” or “Shall I call an ambulance now or do you think you can escape the violent hoards?”

Last Friday I was chatting to a few friends about how I despise Valentine’s Day when one of the women present said the following to me (and I am not making this up).

“Listen, love, you had better stop right there, right now! If I was your missus I would have killed you twice because of the things you’ve just said. I’m not your missus but if I hear any more I will actually kill you on [Mrs PM]’s behalf!”

And I looked into her eyes as she spoke and saw pure venom. She meant every single word. That’s what Valentine’s Day does; it turns women into monsters.

If any women are still reading this and looking for the “Post A Comment” button so that they can describe the ways that they wish to disembowel me, I beg you to just listen to what I have to say.

First of all, I hate being told that I have to be romantic on February 14th and I hate being made to feel guilty because I choose to rebel. I love Mrs PM and I will in my own time (and on numerous occasions) buy her a gift to show my love, buy her flowers for no reason, take her to a fabulous restaurant for a wonderful meal and pay the bill without a care in the world. My very nature, as dictated by my star sign Libra (if you believe that sort of thing), is that I am romantic.

When I was a child, I loved Valentine’s Day because I understood it to be the one day of the year that I could buy a card for a girl that I fancied in order to impress upon her that she had a secret admirer. The whole point was that it was anonymous. There was something special about giving and receiving the card. Why? Because you had absolutely no idea who it was from.

That’s the way it should be.

Last year I tried to persuade Mrs PM that buying a card was defeating the object of Valentine’s Day because she would know who the card was from and so would I. What happened? I ended up buying a card and signing it. I received a card signed by Mrs PM – what was the point? I bought roses that cost me an arm and a leg. What did I get? Nothing!

I was partially successful; I persuaded Mrs PM to go out for a meal the day AFTER Valentine’s Day so that we could avoid the overpriced “lover’s menus”.

This year I have finally won a decisive battle. I have successfully worn Mrs PM down; we will not be buying each other cards and I will not be buying flowers. However, we will be going out for a meal.

If any women are still reading then please understand that throughout the course of the year I will buy Mrs PM flowers, I will take her for a romantic meal and I will tell her that I love her. What’s more I will do so on many occasions.

No faceless, manipulative marketing people are going to tell me what to do on Valentine’s Day.

And please, do let me know what you think. Mrs PM is actually reading this as I type. I hope she is going to use that saucepan she is holding for cooking.

20 comments:

Candy said...

I don't see the point of Valentine's day either and if my other half gave me a card or flowers I would think he'd gone mad - or that he had a guilty secret.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Thank you so much Candy.

Now normally, if I buy Mrs PM flowers and it ISN'T Valentine's Day the first thing she asks is "What have you done?"

I'm glad you agree.

Cheers

PM

Crazy Fitter said...

I agree entirely and remember well the schoolkid anonymous cards. I have other reasons to dislike it though.
Its just after expensive xmas and coincides with 4 (four!) expensive family birthdays AND our wedding anniversary all in the space of a months salary.

I want to lie down and die!!!!!!!!

Martin in Bulgaria said...

You have my wholehearted agreement, we are held to ransom with commercial blackmail with this notion of stupidity that is called Valentine's Day. Bull! If you love someone yo don't have to buy stuff for them, just show you love and affection 24\7! anyone with any bloody sense would know that! unfortunately, most don't foo them!!!

Great post by the way!

Martin in Bulgaria said...

By the way, I have added you to my blog roll of honour I like this post so much, it is as if I was writing it!

The Plastic Mancunian said...

CF, you poor bugger!

You'd better start saving now for February 2010!!

:-)

Cheers

PM

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Martin - I'm so glad that you agree with me.

Great minds think alike, eh??

:-)

Cheers

PM

earthtoholly said...

I, too, come in peace, PM!

W and I feel pretty much the same as you. We'd rather save the money and go to dinner when we choose... doesn't have to be on "the day." Or we might get a bag of our favorite chocolates and share them.

Much more relaxed...it's just what we prefer. :o)

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Phew! Thanks Holly,

I think Mrs PM is coming round. The problem is that her friends embrace the hype and their husbands/partners fall in line too so she feels slighted by my anarchistic stance.

I'll buy her some flowers next week (when they come down in price).

:-)

Cheers

PM

Nathan said...

I just hate the commercialisation attributed to Valentine's day. It's all hype and no substance. Kinda like Christmas, but with less history and religion.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Thanks Nathan,

That's what annoys me. I'm glad others feel the same.

Cheers

PM

Martin in Bulgaria said...

Read your post again, I suggest everyone should show this to all their partners. They might just then begin to understand how they have been fooled and conned into the occasion gear solely business.

Hoo Don said...

Shall I call an ambulance now or do you think you can escape the violent hoards?

The Plastic Mancunian said...

:-)

I think I can escape the violent hoards. I have a few allies now.

Cheers

PM

Alderica said...

Despite being female, I loathe the hype surrounding Valentine's Day. Even more so since it's the anniversary of my Dad's death. Love your blog btw; as a British expat, it makes me feel happily nostalgic... Am adding you to my blogroll, if that's OK :-)

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Alderica,

Thanks for the comment and the add. I can understand the loss of your father - I was 18 when my dad died - it was a long time ago, unlike your dad but I still miss my old man.

Cheers

PM

Pia K said...

Gosh, I think there are loads of women - the sensible ones! - that loathe Valentine's Day. IMHO, a commercial hullabaloo. Period. For the rest of the year, feel free to be romantic in a personal way.

I once sold a necklace to a guy, who apparently never gave his wife any such gifts, we pursuaded him it would be a wonderful surprise gift. When I then told a friend about it her immediate response was "poor guy, he'll have a hard time explaining that gift". However, seems like the gift was appreciated, by a non-suspicious wife, he returned later and got a bracelet too.

The Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Pia,

Thanks - that's exactly how I see it - commercialism at its worst.

Mrs PM appreciates gifts and romance at any time of the year. Sadly I think she is giving in to peer pressure. One of her friends for example has a husband who spent £50 on a bunch of roses and took her for a meal that I would guess costed a lot more.

I'll make it up to her in March.

Cheers

PM

joeh said...

Bingo, well done. I had forgot about the anonymous card thing in school, of course that is no longer allowed, now you must give a card to everyone...self esteem you know.

I agree with you 1000%.

Still, play it safe and at least get a card. You can't make up for being a dick all year, but you can throw a years worth of caring down the tubes if you do nothing.

Plastic Mancunian said...

Hi Joeh,

I haven't bought a card for years now. And I have no intention of doing so again.

Well - unless the circumstances are so dire that it might help ...

:o)

Cheers

PM