Monday, 16 February 2009
Well, it’s finally happened – I’ve been tagged. I’d like to thank Bingkee for this amusing bit of fun. And please visit Bingkee here because her insights on American life are fascinating.
My birthday was in October last year (as described here) and I received nothing that I’d wished for (apart from Mrs PM’s gifts). I mean what can a 46 year old man get for a birthday gift? Socks? Hankies? Walking stick? To be honest I’ve stopped celebrating birthdays because with each one I get closer to the people in those advertisements that say “Are you aged 50 to 85? Do you want life insurance?”
I used to make fun of old people when I was younger, saying cruel heartless things and buying them things like “Just For Men”. I have written poems that are cruel. I’ve ribbed people mercilessly, saying terrible things about the small amount of hair they have turning grey and requiring walking frames to dance. I’ve been heartless.
And now it is payback time. I am constantly the butt of jokes for younger friends who revel in my trauma:
“How old are you? You old git!”
“How long is it till you retire?”
Youngsters are astounded that I was alive when JFK was assassinated, England won the World Cup and Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. I remember the Beatles singing “Hey Jude” and the Beach Boys singing “Good Vibrations”.
But I have a huge advantage over many my age: I have the mind of an eighteen year old and can give as good as I get. I see life through teenager’s eyes and I approach it with fun in mind but the maturity of a grumpy old git. And I love being this age.
And now, thanks to Bingkee I can now put forward my ten birthday wishes as I slide inexorably towards 50:
(1) I want a new car; not just any new car. The kind of car that makes women swoon and men grind their teeth in envy. It has to wake up the neighbours when I turn the ignition. It has to scare the local wildlife. It has to be so fabulous that other cars stop and let me pass. It has to have a sound system so brilliant that only pure rock music can ever be played on it. I’m not sure that the car I see in my mind’s eye has been invented yet. Come on car manufacturers – you have approximately 8 months to pull your fingers out. And I want it as a gift – so think of me when you get the blueprints sorted out.
(2) I want the winning lottery ticket as a birthday present. I’m not asking for much - £20,000,000 will do – just enough for Mrs PM and myself to fly around the world first class.
(3) I want free tickets to see any rock band I like on their next tour.
(4) I want a house; not just any house. I want a castle on a hilltop overlooking the English countryside in an area close to Manchester. It must make the Queen of England green with envy.
(5) I also want a chateau in France. I want President Sarkozy of France to be green with envy.
(6) I am fed up politicians telling lies. I want all politicians to be permanently rigged up to a lie detector that gives them an electric shock whenever an untruth passes their lips. The bigger the lie, the bigger the shock.
(7) I would like somebody to tell me: what is the point of Paris Hilton and other rich celebrities who have achieved fame without talent?
(8) I would love to live to a ripe old age, still be able to find fun in life and most importantly of all, annoy youngsters by pretending to be blind and deaf. I would also like Mrs PM to live to that ripe old age (though sadly I have a seven and a half year head start on her – not that she’s going to catch up – unless time travel is invented – I’m babbling now).
(9) I want Walsall Football Club to win everything – absolutely everything.
(10) Guitar lessons from Joe Satriani.
I believe that the rules state I’m supposed to pass this on to ten other bloggers. However, I want to cheat (because I am a lazy git). I invite ANY bloggers who stumble on this page and want to list their ten birthday wishes to do so and simply let me know (via a comment) so that I can read them.
Apologies if this breaks the rules – I just think it’s a nice idea to allow a little self-tagging. Of course, if nobody rises to the challenge I shall nominate people.
And once again – thanks to Bingkee for allowing me to reveal more of my weirdness (and apologies once more for my laziness).