Tuesday, 23 December 2008
I have discovered something incredible: aliens exist. And what’s more, they are frequent visitors to our planet.
How did I discover this fact? I watched a few TV shows and films. And for those of you who do not watch science fiction films or TV shows, here’s what I have discovered.
Most aliens speak English with an American accent. You can guarantee that if you encounter an alien speaking English with a British accent then you will be killed because he is an evil alien.
Aliens use clichés. In order to settle into our environment, they always use colloquialisms.
The only place on Earth ever invaded is the United States of America. Aliens are completely unaware of any country outside America. The leader of the entire planet is the President Of The United States Of America who makes unilateral decisions “on behalf of all mankind”. That makes me feel safe here in Manchester.
All aliens of the same race wear the same uniform. This helps us to identify them because they are all humanoid in appearance, that is, they are about the same height, build, shape and have the same hairstyles as us. Nevertheless, we need to be on guard. Some aliens have cranial ridges and funny teeth. Klingons and Ferengi are a prime example of this natural deviation.
Earth computers are one hundred percent compatible with all alien computers. In Independence Day the aliens were defeated by a computer virus. We “gave it a cold”. Don’t you just marvel at our ingenuity?
We can procreate with aliens. I’ve always wondered why Captain Kirk in particular had an almost overwhelming desire to kiss as many green coloured alien females as he possibly could.
Aliens are highly advanced technically but fundamentally stupid. How else do you explain Independence Day?
Aliens come to Earth to save us or to kill us. There is no other reason.
The home planets of the aliens that visit Earth are either exactly the same as Earth in terms of climate and atmospheric composition or are about to explode due to a cataclysmic natural disaster or nuclear war.
Alien soldiers are useless at shooting. They tend have sophisticated weaponry eons in advance of our own but cannot shoot straight to save their lives.
When aliens die, they vanish without a trace or turn into a puddle of green goo.
Alien females use the same cosmetics as Human females. Do they really have L’Oreal lipstick on Vulcan?
Aliens come from planets whose name contains no vowels, like “Qyzyrks”
Those aliens that are not humanoid are killing machines that bleed acid and have about seven million teeth distributed around four separate embedded mouths. Avoid these (or just look for a woman called “Ripley”).
Humans are fundamentally flawed but the aliens are purely logical. However, in the end we always taint them with our impurity and feel better for it.
Most aliens are telepathic or empathic - yet we still defeat them somehow.
Alien food is edible by humans. For example, Klingon food that is still alive can be readily consumed by members of Starfleet.
Aliens can kill humans and then become them.
No matter how wonderful an alien culture is, human culture is always better.
Evil humanoid alien men are brutally ugly. Evil alien humanoid women are drop dead gorgeous.
Alien spaceships can always be repaired by human engineers.
I hope that helps, especially if you live in America. Your country is in far more danger than anybody else’s. Still, you needn’t worry; the President will always save the day. Just don’t send any of them here.